How would you describe your relationship with your significant other?

A) “It’s all sparks, heat, and raw, undeniable desire. It’s sizzly!”
B) “It’s okay; I suppose we’re going through the motions.”
C) “It’s a smoldering cauldron of rage, ready to boil over at any time into a Dateline episode.”
D) “N/A—I’m not in a relationship.”

If you answered A, you must be in a new relationship! Yay for you both! For now.

If you answered B, I guess that could be okay, depending on what the motions are, haha. BUT IT’S NOT OKAY BECAUSE WE WANT BETTER THAN “OKAY.” Don’t we?

If you answered C, I’m sorry and I also hope you parlay that fury into a reality TV show? People love two things: watching slow motion car crashes, and schadenfreude. You’ve got both. Make it a hit Bravo show!

If you answered D, you can stop reading if you want and go online gamble or something.

Okay so the reason we are gathered here today is to talk about that problematic place where your relationship isn’t bad enough to seek counseling or a good criminal defense divorce lawyer, but not good enough to get excited for date night, either. It’s the relationship dead zone.

And like most “not bad” things in life, we can limp along like that for years. Cauldrons of rage sound scary but at least they force us to make choices. Being “okay” makes it all too easy to sleepwalk through our days and evenings with our significant other.

But wait! WE DO NOT HAVE THE LUXURY OF TIME. TIME IS TICKING, LIMPY. UNRELENTINGLY. Life’s too short be on relationship autopilot.

So what do we do when things have flatlined? We get it that things won’t stay steamy forever—we’re not 17 so we know better—but we don’t want to throw in the towel, either.

Let’s ask an expert

My friend Cameron Madill is a relationship expert, and he has a visual way of depicting the typical passion curve in a relationship. Here is my rendition of his science:

It’s a good thing I’m an illustrator because I think I really made this complicated line graph dance.

I asked Cameron about his thoughts on this “death of the fiery flames of passion” topic:

“The idea of consummate love is that we can have passion, commitment and friendship (liking). We tend to start relationships high in passion, and swap that for (hopefully) commitment and friendship over time, but it’s not fated. Passion is most often destructive in the early periods of a relationship, but for most of us the goal is to sustain the flames in our relationship, which will typically help us to keep other passions in our life in a healthy place as well (having multiple passions is one of the best ways to keep one passion from becoming obsessive).”

Diagnosing your passion problem

Me: “Is there a way we can zero in on our ‘passion has gone poof’ problem?”

Cameron: “The four types I saw most often in my interviews where couples had lost their passion for each other and life were:”

1. Roommates: These couples were ships passing in the night who barely spend time together at all. The busyness of life has eaten up any shared time they used to have.
2. Friends: Couples who like and respect each other, but don’t have any romantic passion or excitement for each other. They enjoy spending time together, but the flame has gone out.
3. Partners: Couples who are excellent at life. They build businesses together, their kids get to all their events on time, their house is in great shape, but they don’t prioritize their romance and connection. The busyness of life has become their shared business, and they have a hard time not being “productive” and just being together.
4. Competitors: Couples who are both ambitious and end up competing for time to work and time to themselves. They view their partner’s success as their obstacle and resent domestic obligations and kids as well. 

Interesting, right? I feel the need to DJ this moment with the devastating Brothers on a Hotel Bed by Death Cab for Cutie. Have a listen, maybe look up the lyrics, dab your eyes, and come on back to finish the article.

So now what?

Me: “If you’ve just read this list and identify with one OR MORE of the four types, what’s your first piece of advice as to what to do?”

Cameron: “Have a date night where you talk about what is bringing you passion in your personal life (a hobby or interest), your work life (however you define that), and an activity you’d like to try together with your partner that you haven’t done before. Talk about how you could take small steps to pursue more passion or to support your partner’s path.”

Two things:

One—I like how the portal to a passionate relationship involves being passionate in other parts of life—so your giddiness for learning to play the trumpet, for example, can grease the skids for a flamier relationship.

Two—Cameron looks really happy in the pictures he posts with his wife, so we should probably heed his advice.

Let’s not settle for being brothers on a hotel bed. Let’s take those embers and give them a good blow, shall we?