Your Reaper-Inspired Horoscope to Live (er, Die) By

Don’t we all love a little astrological insight into how our remaining Mondays are going to go? Or maybe more accurately, how they’re going to end? I consulted my business partner—the Grim Reaper—and because he’s such a giver (when he’s not a total taker), he offered the following horoscopical words o’ wisdom. It turns out you’re in for a life-changing experience. See what you think!

Aquarius:

January 20 – February 18 (water bearers; intelligent)
I know you’re smart, but you can’t outsmart death, Aqua Boy. Oh! Imagine the irony if you drowned?!

Pisces:

February 19 – March 20 (two fish; empathetic)

You’re totally going to die, Fish Face.

Aries:

Grim Reaper's HoroscopesMarch 21 – April 19 (ram; competitive)

Look at you, all competitive over there! You can’t win the game of life. You’re totally going to lose (i.e., DIE).

Taurus:

April 20 – May 20 (bull; stubbornness)

Oh honey, being a stubborn bull isn’t going to keep you alive. You’re dead rodeo meat, Bucko!

Gemini:

May 21 – June 21 (twins; communicative)

Geminis are the best because it’s a two-for-one-twin-death-situation. You’re both goners.

Cancer:

June 22 – July 22 (crab; emotional)

It’s okay to cry Ms. Emo; you’re a ticking time bomb of a life! Here’s a Kleenex.

Leo:

July 23 – August 22 (lion; courageous leaders)

It’s a good thing you have courage because you’ll need it when you die … hopefully not super-soon though?

Virgo:

August 23 – September 22 (maiden; practical perfectionists)

Ooh—the “everything’s just-so” sign! Should we plan your perfect death? (Too far?) (Sorry.) (But not really?)

Libra:

September 23 – October 23 (scales; harmony)

I know, I know—it’s such an injustice that you’re absolutely going to die! You’ll never balance those scales, babe.

Scorpio:

October 24 – November 21 (scorpion; passionate)

You’re dead—especially you, because everyone wants the scorpion in the room dead. You and the snake, who will die, too.

Sagittarius:

November 22 – December 21 (archer; adventurous)

Life is such an adventure for you! ENDING IN TOTAL AND CERTAIN DEATH.

Capricorn:

December 22 – January 19 (goat; ambitious)

Sorry, Capper—even cute little goats get snuffed out in the end. You can’t out-ambition this little project called Staying Alive.

So there you have it! You know how horoscopes always seem eerily accurate? I think Grim nailed his readings here. I get the feeling we are all headed for the morgue (sneaking suspicion?), and given that, we might want to maximize our Mondays in the meantime. I’m going to go for a bike ride and then eat Cherry Garcia ice cream. And you?

Jodi Wellman

P.S.: In light of your horoscope, you might be in the mood to make the most of your remaining days on the planet. Why not check out my book, You Only Die Once: How to Make It to the End with No Regrets?

P.P.S.: Let’s do Instagram together!

P.P.P.S.: Oh and just in case you missed it… I’d love you forever if you took 16 minutes out of your life to watch my TEDx talk!

 

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