Don’t we all love a little astrological insight into how our remaining Mondays are going to go? Or maybe more accurately, how they’re going to end? I consulted my business partner—the Grim Reaper—and because he’s such a giver (when he’s not a total taker), he offered the following horoscopical words o’ wisdom. It turns out you’re in for a life-changing experience. See what you think!

Aquarius:

January 20 – February 18 (water bearers; intelligent)
I know you’re smart, but you can’t outsmart death, Aqua Boy. Oh! Imagine the irony if you drowned?!

Pisces:

February 19 – March 20 (two fish; empathetic)

You’re totally going to die, Fish Face.

Aries:

March 21 – April 19 (ram; competitive)

Look at you, all competitive over there! You can’t win the game of life. You’re totally going to lose (i.e., DIE).

Taurus:

April 20 – May 20 (bull; stubbornness)

Oh honey, being a stubborn bull isn’t going to keep you alive. You’re dead rodeo meat, Bucko!

Gemini:

May 21 – June 21 (twins; communicative)

Geminis are the best because it’s a two-for-one-twin-death-situation. You’re both goners.

Cancer:

June 22 – July 22 (crab; emotional)

It’s okay to cry Ms. Emo; you’re a ticking time bomb of a life! Here’s a Kleenex.

Leo:

July 23 – August 22 (lion; courageous leaders)

It’s a good thing you have courage because you’ll need it when you die … hopefully not super-soon though?

Virgo:

August 23 – September 22 (maiden; practical perfectionists)

Ooh—the “everything’s just-so” sign! Should we plan your perfect death? (Too far?) (Sorry.) (But not really?)

Libra:

September 23 – October 23 (scales; harmony)

I know, I know—it’s such an injustice that you’re absolutely going to die! You’ll never balance those scales, babe.

Scorpio:

October 24 – November 21 (scorpion; passionate)

You’re dead—especially you, because everyone wants the scorpion in the room dead. You and the snake, who will die, too.

Sagittarius:

November 22 – December 21 (archer; adventurous)

Life is such an adventure for you! ENDING IN TOTAL AND CERTAIN DEATH.

Capricorn:

December 22 – January 19 (goat; ambitious)

Sorry, Capper—even cute little goats get snuffed out in the end. You can’t out-ambition this little project called Staying Alive.

So there you have it! You know how horoscopes always seem eerily accurate? I think Grim nailed his readings here. I get the feeling we are all headed for the morgue (sneaking suspicion?), and given that, we might want to maximize our Mondays in the meantime. I’m going to go for a bike ride and then eat Cherry Garcia ice cream. And you?