You are on a crime board, honey.

You’re probably not the perpetrator on said board (but if you are a crime kingpin, I do love a good true crime story so please reach out and spill all your crimey beans to me). You are a victim-to-be on this board, and your face, last known address, and maybe your 7-Eleven slurpee receipt are all tacked up and connected with red string and guess what? ALL OF YOUR RED STRINGS LEAD TO THE GRIM REAPER.

Here is the board, for your visual reference:

(Please tell me you like the drawing because I spent the better part of a sunny Sunday, inside, hunched over my desk, doodling a cute-but-ominous bulletin board.)

The Reaper is the big kahuna of this crime board and we all know it. This isn’t an unsolved mystery and it won’t turn into a cold case file (both great shows!) because we know Grim is the perp. We know he’s out there, with our PINs and passwords, just waiting patiently in the alley, having a smoke, deciding when to come knocking.

But you already knew this. This is what thanatophobia (death anxiety) is rooted in: our clinging fear of not being in control of the when, where, and how of how the Big Sleep is going to go down. Studies show how humor can psychologically buffer against death anxiety (at least among geriatric patients in a proverbial staring contest with the Grim Reaper), so let’s poke some fun, shall we? If we can’t laugh at our mug shots on a crime board, then what are we even doing here? Waiting to die? (Maybe don’t answer that.)

A brief but necessary “frequently asked questions” section:

“Can I get a restraining order against the Reaper? To live a little longer?”

“No. Everyone knows that antagonizing your murderer is the fastest way to get murdered.”

“Can I go into protective custody, like the witness protection program, so I can avoid dying at the hands of the Reaper?”

“No. Federal budgets are pretty tight these days, and we’ve all seen the TV shows: WITSEC ain’t foolproof.”

“Is there no way out alive?”

“I thoughtfully made you a 5-second video, called ‘No, Stupid,’ in case you are an auditory-visual learner.”

Now that we’ve covered your options—specifically, that there are no options—let’s shift the vibe from a somewhat dire, “I don’t know if I feel comfortable being stalked by a cloaked murderer” to one that’s a more hopeful, “here’s what you might want to do in light of this helpful Reaper Reminder.”

Because this is a helpful reminder. TO LIVE.

It’s absurd that we’re all living in morbid suspense, isn’t it? That we’re waiting for the Reaper to strike? And yet this “when’s the knock at the door going to come” reality can act as the impetus to get on with the business of living. As long as we don’t dwell on the death part (please stop looking at the crime board drawing now—even if it is absolutely charming), we can use it as a springboard into living.

So make a decision today in defiance of your spot on the crime board. Yeah, you’ll be one hell of a victim when your day comes… but until then, you’re alive. Astonishingly alive. Let’s show the Reaper what a juicy life looks like to take! (Too far? Nah. You knew what you were getting into when you saw the title of the post 😏.)