There are things we must lament in life—death, taxes, how they still haven’t made an all-red bag of Skittles (Mars Wrigley executives: make this make sense? Yeah, see you can’t. Proffer up an all-red bag already or heads must roll!).

Another Lamentation for the Living: how we have to work at happiness.

Can we all take a moment to be simultaneously miffed that happiness doesn’t just unsolicitedly land on our laps?

*pause for brief symbolic moment… try not to check your phone… aaand we’re back*

Pardon me: of course spontaneous happiness is a thing. We stumble upon pleasure all the time—like opening a thoughtfully handwritten note in the mail, finding your two new kittens snuggling together, or every rainbow ever spotted. Happiness without effort: hip hip hooray!)

But happiness often requires exertion, doesn’t it?

• A friend of mine buys and re-sells antiques as a side gig. She loves the treasure hunting, the refurbishing, the joy of hooking buyers up with cool vintage stuff. You know what she definitely doesn’t love? Traipsing these delicate valuables to flea markets far and wide. Picture the unglamorous task of trying not to break impossibly fragile lamps and candlesticks while loading them into and out of a car. (Isn’t this the lamentation of every purveyor at every farmer’s market everywhere? “I love making honey so much but why do I have to lug all these jars with this janky dolly? And why is it always so frigging early in the morning?”) My antique-purveyor friend puts up with the schlepping of her vintage loot because it makes her happy and it’s worth it to her. The farmer’s market people presumably tote their goods at the crack of dawn because the bees make them happy and it’s worth it to them.
• Another friend plays in a band and is so smitten with it I wonder if I will every love a hobby a fraction as much. It’s so inspiring! You know what she doesn’t love? Setting up the equipment. Apparently the band members take turns with this clunky task, and when it’s her turn, it’s a bona fide drag. But is she quitting the band? Is she burning her drumsticks? Blasphemy! She puts up with the annoying task because it makes her happy and it’s worth it to her.
• A former client runs marathons and he beams when he talks about his race accomplishments. You know when he doesn’t beam? Every moment of every run. He once described how difficult he found every mile of every training run and race (to the point I wondered if he was mentally troubled), and yet he consciously chooses this hobby because the effort put into each run makes him happy and it’s worth it to him.
• I used to work with a leader who gardened on weekends. She’d show up at her office on Mondays with lots of hydrangeas, lots of cherry tomatoes, and lots of back pain. Even though her green thumb was a pain in her ass (sciatica = back and bum pain), she kept gardening because it made her happy and was worth it to her. And the produce made for some shockingly fresh and fabulous salads, so there was that, too.
• Another friend is writing a book and despite his struggles with writer’s block and hunting + pecking on his keyboard, he wouldn’t have it any other way because writing “makes me feel alive” (a real quote) and it’s worth it to him.

Many of us think happiness needs to come in a perfectly adorned package—unmarred by the blood, sweat or tear stains associated with effort.

Pshaw.

Researchers make clear that we are willing to make tradeoffs in life to be happy (like enduring back pain if it yields a beautiful bouquet of peonies), just as we are willing to give up a bit of happiness if it keeps us healthy (like foregoing the fries when we know they would satisfy our souls, but also spike our LDL cholesterol). “People prefer affective happiness (feeling good) over evaluative (life satisfaction) and eudaimonic (worthwhileness) components.” Is that true for you?

In an interesting concept called learned industriousness, sometimes effort is rewarding in itself. Hark back to our marathoner above… his joy came not from the actual miles logged while running, but that he exerted himself to achieve his goals. He didn’t love the process, but he did love that he tried. (He also really loved gorging on carbs before his races, as I recall.)

Arthur Brooks shares that true enjoyment is born from effort and meaningful struggle. Would my friend be as happy selling a brass candelabra if she didn’t have to lug it out of her trunk? Would I feel as content after finishing one of these Monday blog posts if they were easier to write? (See how I struggle for you? I shall pause for a few heartfelt pats on the back 😉.)

Think of a hobby or activity you participate in because it makes you feel undeniably alive. Are there parts of this pursuit that are tedious or unfun? I am going to bet there is at least one irksome thing about your joyful undertaking… because that’s part of the happiness recipe. I am also going to bet it’s not a heinous endeavor, or you wouldn’t be enjoying it (and if you are, well, you’re a glutton for punishment and I can’t save you from yourself. Good luck out there, Mr. Masochist!).

Let’s lean into the tough stuff associated with happiness and even appreciate the role it plays in keeping us engaged and rewarded. Maybe there are other hardships in our lives that are actually contributing to our aliveness? I’m going to go not eat fries (okay maybe a few) and start in on next Monday’s post. What meaningful struggle will you take part in next?