The “How to Tell If You’re a Highly Functioning Zombie” Quiz

Fun fact: October 13th is World Zombie Day! Before you think, “how amusing” and then plan to move on with your living-dead-kind-of-day, hold up. I IMPLORE YOU TO TAKE THIS QUIZ. It’s very possible that World Zombie Day was created in your honor, and we can’t have you walking around all dead out there, can we?

Speaking of living dead, I just spent 75 minutes of my life in the bowels of my Four Thousand Mondays’ survey analytics, and while working with stats is a guaranteed life-deflating endeavor, it did afford me the chance to refresh my research results. Apparently we’re still boring ourselves to death. More specifically, 40.3% of survey respondents say they are “Meaningfully Bored” (okay on meaning in life but lacking in the vitality department). We are woefully stuck in autopilot, bored and in the zombie-zone.

Guys, we need to raise ourselves from the dead, and I can think of no better time to do this than in time for World Zombie Day.

14 questions to determine how much of a zombie you really are:

Question #1:
Where would you plot yourself on my Highly Scientific Vitality Spectrum as of today?

Highly Scientific Vitality Spectrum

a) I’m a frigging carnival aficionado … bursting with aliveness and cotton candy! (0 points)
b) Do I get a participation ribbon just for showing up, with a pulse? (3 points)
c) I’m wearing a toe tag and I smell like formaldehyde. (8 points)

Question #2:
Your life is looking eerily similar to when we were in full-scale only-allowed-out-for-TP Covid lockdown.

a) So not true! I’ve been globetrotting, popping corks, and living it up out there. (0 points)
b) Kind of true (*said while averting eye contact*). (2 points)
c) OMFG, this is totally true. Lockdown is over? (8 points)

Question #3:
True or False: You regularly arrive at work/ the gym/ school/ the casino/ wherever you often find yourself, and you have no recollection of how you get there. You’re fairly confident you drive yourself there (so this isn’t an alien abduction situation) but the details are sketchy at best.

a) True (and we’re all just hoping you aren’t leaving a path of mangled pedestrians in your wake). (8 points)
b) False. (0 points)

Question #4:
Your work/ daily activities are best described as:

a) Scintillating! Fulfilling! Exclamation-point worthy! (0 points)
b) Meh. (3 points)
c) My days drain the life (and blood) out of me, like a thirsty vampire. (8 points)

Question #5:
Your relationship with the TV machine could best be described as:So Bored TV

a) I only watch educational documentaries. (0 points, but you must know that you’re annoying)
b) Less than 2 hours a day, for sure. (2 points)
c) TV and I are in couple’s counselling for co-dependence. I watch approximately 3,500 hours of TV/ movies per week and most of the shows are on Bravo. (8 points)

Question #6:
True or False: You are a creature of habit. You firmly believe that “habits are next to godliness” and that habit-less people are heathens.

a) True; my life is dead inside but at least it’s predictably dead. (8 points)
b) False; I spice things up pretty regularly to avoid ruts. (0 points)

Question #7:
Your numbing agent of choice is:

a) N/A. (2 points for being a liar)
b) I go to therapy to work through the cacophony of shit that makes me want to have a stroke and remain numb forever. (0 points, and good for you for your healthy coping skills)
c) I like a little wine/ legal substances to take the edge off the day. (2 points)
d) Hello, my name is (insert your name here), and I’m a (insert your addiction of choice here) addict, which helps me not have to face reality. (8 points)

Question #8:
Your find yourself shaking your head and saying, “gee whiz, time is just whizzing by, isn’t it?” this often:

a) Never (0 points, and we’re suspicious of you)
b) Monthly (2 points)
c) It’s my mantra, said on repeat … especially the “gee whiz” part. (8 points)

Question #9:
Most of your “that was so much fun!!” memories happened how long ago?

a) This morning! Trapeze class rocks! (0 points, but give yourself a “penalization point” if you go around bragging about how much fun trapeze class is to anyone who’ll listen)
b) Within the last month. (1 point)
c) My “so much fun” memories are all pre-Covid. (4 points)
d) College was fun. Yeah, I had fun back in college. (8 points)

Question #10:
How do you think the 5 closest people in your life would describe your likeness to a zombie?

a) Zero resemblance. (0 points)
b) They’d say I was a pseudo-zombie and I might not be able to argue with them. (3 points)
c) They’d crown me Queen/ King of the Living Dead and then leave the coronation party before I bored them to death. (8 points)

Question #11:
True or False: Your last 30 days aren’t discernibly different than the 30 days that came before them, which weren’t that different than the 30 days before that (ad infinitum).

a) True; every month blends into the one before. If the weather didn’t change I’d think I was living the same month over and over and over again. (8 points)
b) False; my months are punctuated by events, memories, some travel, experiences, classes, etc. (0 points)

Question #12:
What do you see in this Zombie Rorschach test?

The Zombie Rorschach Testa) Me, living my best possible life. (0 points, but you’re probably tough to be around—just saying)
b) A dead wombat, for sure. (3 points)
c) A zombie. All I see are zombies, everywhere—like in the mirror. (8 points)

Question #13:
Your physical activity level could best be described as:

a) Constant; I use a standing desk, I’m always moving, I love to work out, “a body in motion stays in motion” is tattooed on my forearm, etc. (0 points)
b) Some days I am active with cardio &/or weights and some days I’m a couch potato, so it evens out. (3 points)
c) I live in a casket so there isn’t much wiggle room. (8 points)

Question #14:
How uncomfortable did this little quiz make you feel?

a) Awesome! It feels invigorating to reinforce how alive I am. (0 points)
b) I have twingles of the “ugh” feeling. (2 points)
c) If I wasn’t already dead inside I’d be stabbing myself in the face with shame. (8 points)

Calculating your Zombie Zone results:

  • 0 – 14 points: Whoa! You’re a real firecracker, aren’t you! Good for you. You aren’t dead but because all the people around you probably want to kill you for being Overly Alive and Exuberant, you might be dead soon. Good luck!Zombie hand
  • 15 – 30 points: You seem to be alive, for the most part, and so you should definitely high five yourself! Keep up the good work of getting down to the business of living, and when parts of your life start to slip into autopilot, slap yourself in the face and get right back on track.
  • 31 – 45 points: Looks like you have a slight whiff of zombiness going on, my friend. You might not be rotting from the inside out (yet), but there is some rot happening and you’ll want to cut that limb off with the necrotic tissue. That shit’ll fester and it’ll turn you into a fully functioning zombie in no time. Be warned.
  • 46 – 100 points: We’re concerned. You aren’t quite a full-fledged zombie but it appears like you’re working hard to become one. Maybe you could ask your livelier friends and family for an intervention? With an AED machine? It’s not too late to un-dead yourself!
  • 101+ points: You are a zombie and you didn’t need me to tell you, did you? You smell like formaldehyde and that’s the least of your problems. You might be the Mayor of the Land of the Living Dead (congrats! but not really). Taking this quiz and verifying your zombie status is the first step towards getting help.

If you scored ~45 points or less, class is dismissed for you. If you scored more than 45 points, keep reading, my zombie friend.

Wondering how to de-zombify your life?

I’m glad you asked.

  • Pick the question from the quiz above that gave you the most angst inside your dead self, and then drive a stake into the middle of it. For example, if Question 5 about TV hit home for you, then smash your TV with a tire iron. (Just kidding! That would be so messy. Maybe just commit to replacing three hours of TV with ANYTHING ELSE each week.)
  • Write a list of 10 things that might spruce your life up—big or small. Pick one thing from that list to do between now and the next 10 days. For example, you might write down that flute lessons sound fun, and that you’ve been wanting to adopt a hamster. Go get the hamster in the next 10 days! And then maybe learn to play the flute for him as your next de-zombification challenge.
  • Press reset. Book time off work, go away for a week, do some soul searching (vodka helps with that), draft a vision of what your un-dead life looks like, and come back as the New and Improved Zombie-Free You. Sometimes we just need to press the reset button, right?
  • Read more about what’s boring you to death here, and then STOP DOING THOSE THINGS.

 

So there you have it. Let’s live less like zombies and more like humans trying hard to like our lives just a little bit more, day by day. Autopilot happens to the best of us, but we have to override the system … we have to look in the mirror and decide to be less like zombies and more like the kind of person the Grim Reaper feels badly about killing off one day—far, far into the future.

Jodi Wellman

P.S.: I really think we should connect on Instagram!

P.P.S.: Oh and just in case you missed it… I’d love you forever if you took 16 minutes out of your life to watch my TEDx talk!

 

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