When the going gets hard, you:

A) Quit and head home to lick your wounds on the couch (“are there any Oreos left? Nothing quells my feelings of failure like Double Stuf”)

B) Quit and pretend you didn’t really want the thing you were working towards anyways (“that promotion would’ve been stupid, what with all that extra money and glory. Feelings of internal satisfaction are for suckers!”)

C) Double down with your effort (“I want to sell this script really badly so I’m going to rest up and pound the pavement again tomorrow.”)

D) Quadruple down with your effort (“a good personal motto is ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again—until your knuckles are bloody and you’re on the verge of either a nervous breakdown or a committing a felony.’”)

E) Avoid situations that get hard in the first place (“I’ve figured out that if I never put myself out there, I never have to feel rejected or unsuccessful. I feel dead inside but at least I maintain my 0/0 track record.”)

It’s painfully obvious that we should pick C, right? (I am a fan of A but it doesn’t lead to an astonishingly alive life. It leads to a lot of projects quit at the halfway mark and a lot of Generalized Life Disappointment. Ew.)

4 uplifting snippets about effort:

1. I asked a friend about his sobriety story the other day. “It took me eight and a half years of trying to get my 60-day coin,” he shared. I was flabbergasted. “So you just kept trying and failing again and again for eight and a half years” I reiterated (perhaps rather obtusely). The answer was yes—he kept falling off the wagon and getting back on the wagon, for the better part of a decade. He told me about a particular AA meeting in Orange County that gave out 24-hour sobriety coins. He’d get so far as 13 coins, drink, then have to return them at the next meeting. Then he’d collect 8 chips, only to drink, have to hand them back in, and start back at zero. Collecting and returning and collecting and returning coins, for years, until he got to 60 days, and then eventually 30+ years sober from alcohol and drugs. Think about the dogged determination it took him to keep trying over and over. I have so much respect for him and anyone in recovery.
2. Smoking cessation research tells us “it may take 30 or more quit attempts before being successful.” Most of us would quit at quitting long before 30 attempts, wouldn’t we? We’d assume after a good dozen goes that “maybe this quitting thing isn’t for me,” right? And yet “nearly 2 in 3 adults who have ever smoked cigarettes have quit.” Troopers.
3. I watched a friend defend her dissertation a few weeks ago for two awe-inspiring hours. You know what took a heck of a lot longer than that? The time it took her to complete her PhD: eight and a half years. She had a rough start in the first year of the program but fought her way back to good standing. Outstanding standing, in fact. Many would’ve bailed on the doctorate dream, but she stuck with it, worked hard, and reached her goal.
4. A client I used to work with wanted to open a branch of her business in Europe and faced one administrative issue after another, followed by one financial issue after the other—enough to make her wonder if “signs from the universe” were a thing. She instead chose to read the abundance of Brit signs that read “keep calm and carry on.” Although it took her more than two years, she set up shop (“shoppe?”) in London. “I’m so glad I didn’t give up when this hit the fan,” she recalled. “I might’ve been stubborn, or crazy, and that’s okay because I’m living the life I dreamed of between Chicago and the UK.”

A quick bit of grit

The psychology and neuroscience of goal persistence points out that effort sustained over time matters as much as talent or initial ability for achieving long-term success. Yes, we are talking about the construct of grit—passion and perseverance for long-term goals. Not to be confused with stubbornness, grit is a combination of consistent effort and unremitting commitment that helps us stay motivated over years or even decades when hope typically starts to fade.

Trying consistently—even after setbacks—is a measurable and trainable component of reaching meaningful goals.

So how do we build grit when our passion and perseverance are taking extended smoke breaks? I love this video with Angela Duckworth, which reminds us to break chunky goals down into smaller bits, identify obstacles and brainstorm solutions for them, and tune into what really matters ~deep down~ about the goal we’re trying to reach.

Two ways to quit being a quitter…

#1: Practice. My favorite idea about becoming a better tryer is that it’s like a muscle we can strengthen. Practicing trying makes us better at trying. In my experience, quitting makes us better at throwing in the towel, too. I’m planning to let my quitting muscles atrophy and bulking up my “I put forth effort and try stuff” muscles. (Well. Not too bulky; I have to fit into my pants.)

#2: Just get back up. I used to see a meditation and hypnotherapy expert in Chicago who’d remind me that when I fell off the wagon, it would be right there waiting for me where I left it. Just because you flubbed your effort to quit gambling, for example, doesn’t mean you can’t try again tomorrow. Just because you gave up on a goal because of a bummer of a setback doesn’t mean you can’t resurrect it this afternoon.

In the wise words of Jared Leto…

“Try and fail, but never fail to try!” (Jared really said that.)

Have the audacity to show up again. And again. And again.

Life’s too short to call it quits before it calls it quits on you.