You know that quote by William Arthur Ward that goes, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it”?

We’re going to bastardize it a bit by swapping out the “feeling gratitude” part. Here, let’s try it on for size:

“Having pretty much any kind of good thought about someone and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it . . . which makes us unwitting assholes.”

Yes, I think that works.

You know what doesn’t work? Sitting around wrapping up a bunch of gifts for people, and then throwing them in the back of the dusty, webby attic for the recipients to never, ever get to see, let alone open. As I said: unwitting assholes.

We miss countless chances to make other people’s days because we’re oblivious. It doesn’t occur to us that our kind thoughts, our expressions of gratitude, our positive observations, our compliments big and small—that these things might actually make a meaningful difference in someone’s hour or day or life.

Research shows that we consistently underestimate the impact of kind gestures on other people. Sure, we suspect that complimenting Jayne in accounting on her new haircut will be more of a net-positive than a net-horrible experience for her. And of course we surmise that buying the person’s coffee in line behind us will be a feel-good mood-booster for them . . . but we fail to calculate exactly how wow it will be in their day.

We suffer from “systematic miscalibrations” of how acts of kindness will land.

We think our nice comments or acts will be trivial for the receiver and possibly even awkward.

We’re wrong.

And because we misjudge how consequential these mini moments of kindness and care often are to people, we skip over them. We withhold the nice comment. We don’t share the compliment. We fail to send the “Thinking of You” card. We downplay our smile when we see someone who makes us smile inside. We don’t bother to send the “you’re going to be amazing in your interview today!!” text. We hold back on being effusive because we think being effusive maybe isn’t such a cool emotion to demonstrate in public (OMG hang around with me more and we’ll effusive-ify this whole goddamn world together, okay?).

When we gloss over the chance to make someone feel good, we rob not only them of the chance to feel that warm and fuzzy well-being glow, but—LET’S GET SELFISH FOR A SEC— we miss out on the chance to feel good ourselves (because being kind to others has what I have just decided to call the “Beneficence Boomerang.”) Doing good for others feels good for ourselves—it always has and it always will. (Psychology researchers make it crystal clear that engaging in selfless service to others leads to “greater health and increased longevity.” In the 4,000-ish Mondays we’ve been allotted to kick this can down the proverbial hall of life, we want better health and longevity, do we not? NOD WITH ME, MARGIE.)

Examples for those of us who like examples

I was chatting it up recently with a 20-something airport worker who shared that his dad traveled a lot for work too, and his favorite days were when Pops came home from being away for three weeks at a time. (Yes, let’s all pause for a collective “awwwww.”) Because I am an annoying coach and can’t not coach anyone I interact with (even in the CLEAR airport screening line), I asked him, “does he know that?”. He said no, that he’d never shared that with him.

THIS KID HAD A GOLDMINE OF A PRESENT READY AND WRAPPED UP FOR HIS DAD AND HE BASICALLY TURFED IT INTO A GIANT BONFIRE.

I was short of breath. If I didn’t have a flight to catch I’d have insisted that we get on his phone and call his dad together, right then and there. Do you not agree that his dad would love his life incrementally more if he knew that his grown son’s best fucking days of the month were the days he came home from his work trips?? (Hang on a sec, I need to calm down.)

Yeeeears ago I was new at a company where I admired the crap out of a particular Big Cheese Executive. One morning I gave a presentation to several Big Cheeses and left the room with zero inkling of how it went (you know that feeling, right? Like, “did I ace that? Did I bomb it? Am I getting promoted? Am I getting fired for cause?”). So later that week, after zilcho feedback—like total tumbleweed blowing in the feedback department—a colleague of mine told me the aforementioned Big Cheese Exec was singing my praises in a meeting she was in earlier that day. Wait, what? Apparently I had made an impression with my presentation (of the sort that wasn’t going to get my building access revoked after all), and as relieved as I felt, I also felt stumped.

THIS BIG CHEESE EXEC HAD A PRESENT FOR ME THAT HE WRAPPED UP—WITH THE GOOD WRAPPING PAPER, NOT JUST THE CORNER-CUTTING-TISSUE-PAPER-THROWN-IN-A-GIFT-BAG THAT WE ALL DO THESE DAYS—AND INSTEAD OF GIVING IT TO ME, HE FLUSHED IT DOWN HIS PRIVATE EXECUTIVE BATHROOM TOILET.

Was the kid at the airport a jerk? Was the Big Cheese Dude an ass? No, and no. They were just ignorant to how compelling their thoughts and feelings might have been to the people they were having thoughts and feelings about.

So now what?

Do you have gifts for people you’re missing the chance to hand them over to?

• Tell your colleague when they’ve done an amazing job handling the tough client
• Give your teenager a hug because you felt like it
• Share your gratitude for why you think you’re lucky to have such an amazing next-door neighbor/ friend/ dog-sitter/ house cleaner/ spouse/ friend/ vet/ etc.
• Tell your friend when you think she’s beautiful/ witty/ a great appetizer-maker/ fucking brilliant
• Email your favorite author/ podcaster/ artist/ whomever to say “I love what you do, and thank you for doing it”
• Compliment a stranger
• Give an explicitly amazing review on Yelp for anyone who relies on good Yelp reviews (or Amazon reviews, etc. etc. etc.)
• Get specific with a team member about the strengths you admire in them
• Practice a random act of kindness
• SMILE at someone (OMG, smile smile smile, and then smile some more)

Rule of thumb

Any time you catch yourself saying something remotely positive about someone, and they are not in the room, make it a point to tell them.

Any time you catch yourself thinking something remotely positive about someone, make it a point to tell them.

Text them. Voice memo them. Call them. Email them. Show up on their doorstep (although maybe please don’t). FaceTime them (again, less cool). Write them a short ‘n sweet note and pop it in the mail (TIMELESS MOVE).

NEVER lose the chance to make someone’s day. Our days can be tough, and your bright comment/ note/ coffee/ smile/ high five/ five-star review/ compliment weighs more than you think it does. Your opinion matters and people want—and dare I say NEED—to hear it.