Look at you! You’re fabulous! You’re so talented at _________ (you fill in the blanks, Hotshot—I’m not a mentalist), and (*insert the construction-site-cat-call*) you’re stunning, too—look at those ________ (don’t be bashful—if you’ve got a great rack, now’s the time to own it!). You’re one of a kind. Sensational!

You know what else?

You’re deeply flawed.

Parts of you are really quite horrible. You’re probably not rotten to the core, but I smell some rot around the edges. (Some of you are worse than others, so rest assured if you’re feeling lousy about your sinning track record/ life in general right now, someone’s fucking it up out there way worse than you. What a relief! Misery loves even-more-miserable-than-oneself company.)

Should we talk more about your near-fatal flaws? Yes, yes we should.

While identifying your fallibilities isn’t usually a “sign me up” endeavor, it’s a valuable step on the path to existential enlightenment. Said better, if we clue into what’s holding us back from living a life worth living, we can die a heck of a lot happier. As life coaches everywhere like to say, “you have to name it to tame it.”

The naming part that precedes the taming is like looking in one of those magnifying mirrors with a glaringly bright light: oh, the exposed horrors! But you need to find those wayward hairs before you can tweeze them, Sasquatch.

It might be worth it to name a few of your behaviors and habits that are putting a dent in your aliveness… and then today might be the day we put one of those vices to rest. Full-on fake-funeral styles. More on that in a minute—but first, do any of these life gaffes sound familiar to you?

Aliveness-Zapping Things You Might Like to Put to Rest Once and For All:

• Logging into Zoom at the last minute so your meetings start late and you always feel behind
• Pressing the snooze button every 5 minutes for 50 minutes
• Checking your body in mirrors and window reflections too often
• Eating lunch at your desk while working
• Comparing your career to others’ “Congratulations” posts on LinkedIn
• Phone scrolling… scrolling… scrolling…
• Sending mom’s calls to voicemail every time
• Leaving dishes in the sink to soak for way too long and then having to deal with bloated chickpeas floating in gunk
• Partaking in negative downward spiral conversations
• Eating candy before bed and not flossing
• Gossiping about people you’re envious of
• Gossiping about people you’re not envious of
• Going to bed too late
• Watching TV for too many hours a day
• Listening to the voice in your head that convinces you to stop before you start
• Not leaving enough time to get to appointments and arriving hot and bothered and harried
• Being a victim because it’s always their fault and never yours
• Not giving your full attention to your loved ones while they’re talking
• Saying yes to things you don’t really want to do
• Saying no to things that could be cool because you’re just feeling lazy
• Shopping for things you don’t need
• Eating your feelings
• Not paying attention on video meetings because you’re juggling several other screens
• Letting pesky admin tasks build up and seem more daunting than they really are
• Not planning healthy snacks and eating garbagy food instead
• Talking over other people
• Drinking that extra half-glass of wine after enough wine already
• Avoiding tough conversations
• Waiting for a special occasion to use the good dishes/ wear nice things/ drink the good stuff
• All that unprotected sex
• Other?

Some vices are more obviously troubling, like the potpourri of addictions and afflictions (drugs, booze, food, gambling, sex, porn, repetitive behaviors… this list unfortunately goes on for days). I didn’t mean to exclude these heavy hitters on the bullet point list above; I suppose I wanted to draw attention to the “death by a thousand paper cuts” flaws instead.

Yes, most of the things on the Aliveness-Zapping list are seemingly innocuous peccadillos (small sins), yet still pack a punch in the face of an enjoyable life. Being late for the odd dentist appointment or dinner is no big deal, for example, but being chronically late and upset with yourself for it … that’s going to take a toll on your life satisfaction (and cause a lot of unnecessary paper cuts).

So now what?

Here’s how this is going to work: you are going to pick a thing—any one thing—that you’d like to stop doing. And you are going to just stop doing it.

That’s all.

Bye.

(*!*)

This is going to be even more fun: we are going to have a fake funeral for one of our selected life-draining behaviors… because rituals help formalize our intentions to change, and fake funerals just sound cool.

I’ll go first:

I am going to “put to rest” my annoying-and-borderline-alarming tendency to rehearse made up conflict conversations in my head. Someone cuts in front of me while boarding the plane? Or maybe they haven’t even budded/ butted in but they look like they’re capable of it? I imagine the things I would say—things my conflict-avoidant self would normally not say. I script out several versions of these fantasy-fuck-you conversations, and you know what? This behavior is disappointingly un-cathartic. It makes me hate humanity! And then it makes me hate myself for hating the guy with the big backpack who might possibly edge in front of me. (To be clear though, people who fail to abide by line-up etiquette need to be burned at the stake. Stakes need to be brought back so burnings can be done at them again. Right in the middle of airport terminals and coffee shops and grocery stores, where people seem to struggle with line-formation norms. *Lights match* *Insert poof! sound* Problem solved.)

(I love how, after re-reading that last paragraph, I don’t look crazy at all.)

Yes, it’s time to put this to rest, this little glitch I have.

Back to the funeral; please be respectful and wear black. Navy will suffice.

Fake funeral script:

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to put this troubling habit to rest:

Imagining “tell-off” conversations in my head.

This vice has served me because:

It lets me tell people off (respectfully… I’m not an animal), in my head, because I guess I feel ill-equipped to do so in my real life when I feel stepped on/ bothered.

And here is what I will do to put this bothersome shortcoming to rest:

• I will burn all rude people at the stake.
• I will remind myself that this behavior isn’t productive or helpful when I start doing it.
• I will take a deep breath.
• I will get curious with myself and consider if there is a current life conflict I’m actively avoiding that’s exacerbating this stand-up-for-myself-rehearsal tendency. I will decide if I want to do anything about the real-life issue (probably not, haha).
• I will change the channel in my head; I’ll think about something—ANYTHING— else, other than the tell-off script.
  

For ceremony you might want to do the sign of the cross or throw some grave dirt over your shoulder or maybe doodle a skull. Those things are optional. The main thing is for you to fill the blanks in above with your named “blight you’re ready to eradicate from your life.”

Adding lovely things to your life is a sure-fire way to enjoy your existence. Keep doing that, as much as possible. More widening with vitality! More deepening with meaning! But x-naying your controllable flaws is also valuable… like killing the annoying fly that’s getting in the way of your most excellent picnic. Without the fly, you can enjoy the egg salad sandwiches and the book you brought 85x more.

Bury your self-troubles alive, babe/ sir. What are you putting to rest today at your fake funeral?