What would you rather do?

A) Ask for help
B) Smother yourself in chum and then splash around in shark-infested waters

If you picked A, you’re a liar, but that’s okay because I’m here to help (EVEN THOUGH YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR IT).

Psychologists confirm that we’re notoriously and repeatedly out to lunch when it comes to our fear of asking for help: “people underestimate by as much as 50% the likelihood that others would agree to a direct request for help.” We think we’re annoying people but we’re actually hijacking their potential happiness. We’re the help-hoarding worst.

The Helper’s High

Research is ridiculously clear that “selfish altruism” pays: we’re happier when we’re helping other people out. Study participants who donated time or money were 42 percent likelier to be happy than the selfish assholes who didn’t give a care or a dime.

One Stanford scholar says “we underestimate just how willing people want to assist others and how positive they feel about doing so.”

Asking for a favor or help gives people a chance to contribute, be generous, and feel like they matter in your life.

Why rob someone of the chance to feel like a billion bucks by helping you? Or even five bucks?

I was deeply uncomfortable with the idea of asking a select group of friends to help get the word out about my book, You Only Die Once.

My inner talk track sounded something (wallowy) like:

• “I don’t want to bother her.”
• “I don’t want to look like a user.”
• “He’ll be annoyed by the request because he’s so busy and he knows I know he’s busy.”
• “Where can I get a bucket of chum?”

“I wish you’d asked me; I’d have loved to have shared it on Instagram,” was what one acquaintance said to me after I caught up with her last month and told her about my preorder book push. At first I just felt like an idiot for missing the boat—what with her having an admirable follower count and all—but then I felt something worse. I felt like an asshole. I could tell by her tone that I’d distanced us, that I had disappointed her for not including her in my “inner circle” of people I actually did muster up the courage to ask to help promote the book. It never occurred to me that I might mildly offend someone for not asking for help.

Why deny the love and care that someone gets to express by helping you after you’ve asked?

How do you feel when someone you care about in some way asks you for help?

Sure, there’s a favor frequency factor. If Esmerelda asks you for help with her PowerPoint on Monday and then asks you to pick up her unneutered Pitbull from doggy day care on Tuesday and then asks you to weed whack her lawn on Wednesday, you need to feed her to the sharks. But this kind of favor abuse is rare.

You usually delight in the chance to assist someone, right? To lend your expertise … to make their life easier in some way … to strengthen your relationship … to bring a side dish to dinner.

Where might you benefit from asking for help today?

Who can you ask for help with that project/ brainstorm/ task?

It might not feel easy, but are you willing to adopt an “I’m the kind of person who asks for help” identity? To take on an “asking for help is a trust-building endeavor” mindset?

Where can you readily return favors for the people who help you, per the Law of Reciprocity that “you help me and then I help you” cycle that makes the world work? Reciprocity is the foundation of every friendship and you fuck the whole thing up if you help-hoard.

So in the spirit of leading by example, can I please ask for your help to submit a review for You Only Die Once on Amazon? Or Goodreads if that’s your jam? (*Gulp*) I never said it would be easy to ask, but I’m banking on the wee high you just might get for doing so. And then you can ask me for help, and I’ll get a high, and then we’ll continue that cycle until the day we die. (Because you didn’t think I’d get through an entire blog post without mentioning death, did you?)

Thank you, friend, for your help.

Now go do someone a favor by asking them for a favor. Help them help you. And that’s the love that makes the world go round.